


#Not All Vampires

by orphan_account



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, F/M, Fake Blood, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Modern Era, Silly, Twilight References, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 12:19:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5205650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marius is the new kid at school, and he loves Twilight. Courfeyrac invited him to join the book club, but Marius has no idea everyone but him is Team Jacob. </p><p>It's a meeting to be remembered.</p><p>There is literally nothing serious this is total crack and half of it is one liners I made up on the spot BE PREPARED</p>
            </blockquote>





	#Not All Vampires

**Author's Note:**

  * For [hatarlakrits (nutzone)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nutzone/gifts).



Marius was the new kid at high school. He'd been homeschooled all his life until now, his senior year, and he knew he was smart by his grades, but people were hard to socialize with. They were intimidating, opinionated, and had the nerve to have more angst than he did.

Especially those Team Jacob kids.

"You should join the book club!" encouraged Courfeyrac, his student guide to getting to know the school. "All of my friends are in if, and you're my friend so you should join too! Be warned though, they're all super into Twilight. Like, they have tumblrs. The tumblrs you hear about that make you not want to join tumblr."

"It's okay. I love Twilight too!" Marius felt relieved and Courfeyrac grinned.

"See you after school in the library, then!" 

Marius held his copy of Twilight to his chest and sighed dreamily. He thought of himself as very straight, no one straighter in the world, honestly, but he could appreciate Edward Cullen in a very man-to-man, heterosexual way. He was the best for Bella, anyone could see that! 

He trusted Courfeyrac and went to the library after school. A group of around ten students were seated at a cluster of tables. 

A blond boy in a red hoodie turned towards Marius and his eyes lit up. "Citizen!" he proclaimed in a rather unimpressive teenager voice. "Are you here to join us?"

"Uh, hi. Yeah," stammered Marius. 

"I'm Enjolras, the leader of this club."

Marius shook his hand as Courfeyrac, who was seated right behind Enjolras said, "This was supposed to be a social justice club, but after the glitter incident all over the bathroom and the broken school microwave we had to cancel and make it something different and respectable."

"Okay." Marius felt like maybe he'd accidentally found all of the drama club rejects, with how oddly regal Enjolras was trying to be and the fact that literally everyone was wearing a beanie except for one guy who was sketching on a piece of paper, who was wearing a wolf hat. "You like Jacob?" he asked the student, only to be interrupted by Enjolras.

"We're all Team Jacob here! Of course we do!" he unzipped his hoodie to reveal a #TeamJacob shirt and Marius blinked. 

"I'm Team Edward."

And that was when the afternoon went from good to great.

"What?" asked Marius as everyone stared at him. "I like Edward. He has a certain charm to him. He's cool and is older than Bella and can take care of her."

Enjolras sank into a chair. "Oh. My. God." 

"Edward really loves Bella," continued Marius. "He's offering her a new life, an eternity together."

"Okay first of all," started a boy with glasses next to Enjolras. "Let's talk about their species. Vampires in this lore have to kill and drink blood, and Edward is constantly drawn to Bella and begs her to not put herself in danger. While Jacob is strong and can defend himself, he doesn't have to feed off of other creatures like vampires. They're dangerous."

"Not all vampires! They can feed off of animals-"

"But at heart, they crave human blood."

Marius was slightly scared, but he stood is ground. "Do all of you think like this?"

The guy in the wolf hat grinned. "I'm personally Team EdwardxJacob." He held up his rather detailed sketch of Edward and Jacob shirtlessly French kissing each other, hands on each other's chests. 

"Why must you always draw softcore porn at my meetings, Grantaire?" groaned Enjolras as Marius blanched. 

"Cause I have to leave the hard shit at home. Remember that call to my parents that happened even though I'm 18? It's incredible what these prudes do around here."

"That's why I write," chimed in another boy with a notebook open and a braid of auburn hair going down his chest. He looked up at Courfeyrac with a sweet smile and asked, "I can't remember, did you want to be orally or anally knotted first?"

"I- UH." Courfeyrac blushed beet red. "Let's go back to why Jacob is better."

"I'm personally Team Alice," said a different boy.

"You're excused, Feuilly," said Enjolras kindly. 

Marius was confused. "What's that about knots?"

Jehan brightened up. "You see Courfeyrac is a Furry, and certain animal like canines have a-"

"Jacob is hot!" blurted out Courfeyrac.

"Edward is hotter," argued Marius. "His hair is literally perfect! His eyes are so beautiful. I've modeled my own hair after his!"

"I can tell," replied Grantaire drily.

Enjolras narrowed his eyes. "Are you attracted to men?"

Marius widened his eyes. "Er, no. I like Edward in a purely heterosexual way. You know, in a way you like a guy but don't want to be with him."

"I am gay!" declared Enjolras, drawing himself up tall. "And I know what's hot. I like my men like I like my werewolves. Strong, with long hair, a beating heart, and a motorcycle."

Grantaire's entire face lit up behind Enjolras and he tossed his hat off, fluffing up his wild curls and tapping Enjolras on the shoulder. "Hey, lemme hook you up. I know someone exactly like that!"

"You do?!"

"Me. I don't have a motorcycle yet," confessed Grantaire. "But I can get some pretty bizarre noises out of my car engine to make up for it." 

Enjolras licked his lips. "Oh my beautiful, sinful, homoerotic artist classmate. Would you go to Jamba Juice with me?" he whispered huskily. 

"Yes," breathed Grantaire, holding Enjolras's hands, tears coming to his eyes.

Marius hadn't processed that gay people existed in real life, as opposed to only in theory and in Oscar Wilde stories, and stared. "Um."

A brunet girl walked into the library and Marius was glad for the opportunity to engage in heterosexuality once more. She was the most beautiful person Marius had ever seen, with a dazzling smile and a sense of fashion that made Marius look down at his entirely black outfit with doubt. She made her way to Marius and she charmed him with her voice so easy Marius felt his knees go weak. "Hello. I'm Cosette."

He wanted to introduce himself but what came out was, "I'm Team Edward."

"Cosette! Come over here" Courfeyrac waved a she started shelving books, holding up a Teacher Assistant badge.

"Can't, but I'll listen!"

Jehan tapped his mechanical pencil against his desk and asked the room, "Can anyone think of something good that rhymes with 'penetrate'?"

"Venerate?" suggested Marius.

Jehan brightened. "Perfect! You'll make a great poetry partner."

Courfeyrac leaned over to read over Jehan's shoulder. "You're writing erotica for me in rhyming verse?"

"Only the best for you, dear."

There were two guys in the back who hadn't said anything all meeting, and Madius wanted to try talking to people who might agree with him. One was giggling silently to himself and the other one's expression was completely blank. "Hey, who're you guys?"

"I'm Joly. And this is Bossuet, who's currently having a crisis in his mouth." 

Bossuet laughed and pink liuid spilled from his mouth, mixed with thick dark red liquid. "OH MY GOD!" shrieked Marius, as the rest of l the group panicked.

"It's nothing to worry about!" said Bossuet, only making the mess worse.

"It's fake blood!" laughed Joly. "You- you see?! A blood capsule burst the wrong way and its mixed into his saliva."

The librarian, as she was used to having to do when people screamed with terror in the library, marched over. "What's going on? Are you okay? My God, that washes out right?"

Bossuet looked down and realized he'd stained the carpet as Joly laughed even harder. "Fuck."

"This doesn't." Courfeyrac suddenly got a bloody nose and sadly looked at where it had dripped onto Jehan's poetry. "I gotta go!" 

Courfeyrac ran out the library doors with Bossuet behind him as Jehan held up his bloodstained paper. "Aesthetic!" he exclaimed happily.

The librarian looked over Grantaire's shoulder, where he was drawing a heart around Edward and Jacob. "Grantaire, again?! Detention!"

"But there's no penis this time!"

She looked at what Jehan was writing and blanched. "Mister Prouvaire, suspension!"

"Awww man!"

"How many times must I ask you to please leave your werewolf erotica at home? They put a custom rule in our school handbook because of you!"

Grantaire beamed. "Now that's a legacy!"

Enjolras drew himself up proudly and fiercely kissed Grantaire's nose. "My citizen, we shall leave this bleak chamber of despair and away to a place of freedom and gay pride known as my bedroom and do our homework!"

"What's homework?" jested Grantaire.

Marius stared as they left and soon it was just him, Jehan, Feuilly, Combeferre, and another guy in the back. "Well, I've met everyone but you. Who're you?"

"I'm Bahorel. No one knows me because I never get any lines."

Combeferre gathered up his books and papers. "I believe it's clear that I'm right. Jacob IS hottest."

Marius let him leave and started sniffling. Jehan and Feuilly were immediately at his side. "Marius, sometimes Combeferre and Enjolras are intense, don't take it personally," soothed Feuilly.

"I-" Marius started to actually cry. "I just really love Edward Cullen! And I wanted to make friends today and I failed!" 

"You calling us failures?" asked Feuilly with a frown.

"Marius, you're our friend now! One of us! Even if you do have misguided opinions on your taste of men, we all love you. Enjolras and Combeferre included. You'll see."

Marius's phone vibrated and he checked his texts.

Unknown number: Citizen! Courfeyrac gave me your number. I'll expect to see you tomorrow morning by the cafeteria, I have quite a few pamphlets to give you.

Marius smiled. "It seems you're right."

"Course we are."

Cosette tapped his shoulder and he turned around. "What's your name? It can't really be Team Edward."

He laughed. "I'm Marius. I forgot my name earlier cause, well. Yeah."

"Well for the record, I'm Team Marius." Marius blushed and Cosette pecked his cheek. "You better be here next meaning. I'm going to save this book club by introducing everyone to Harry Potter. We can be Team Cedric together! He's played by Robert Pattinson!"

"Ooooh, he is?!"

"Yes! He and a gorgeous, intelligent Quidditch player fight for the affection of the heartthrob of the story, and it's clear who should win. Cedric should clearly be Harry Potter's boyfriend!"

They left and it was only Feuilly, Jehan, and Bahorel in the library. Feuilly turned to Bahorel and asked, "So what are this meeting's notes?"

Bahorel cleared his throat and read from his paper. "The Twilight debate was really intense. Enjolras asked Grantaire out, Grantaire got detention for his erotica drawing, Jehan got suspended for his erotica writing, Bossuet got fake blood everywhere, Courfeyrac got real blood everywhere, and the new boy Marius cried and got a girlfriend simultaneously." 

Jehan smiled serenely. "You better all be my friends forever." 

Feuilly draped his arms around them both. "Agreed."

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like I should mention that I've never read mlre Han about 50 pages of Twilight and most of my knowledge comes from Vampires Suck lol
> 
> I don't have plans to continue this but I'll never say never!


End file.
